


(tore my shirt to stop you bleeding) but nothing ever stops you leaving

by Anonymous



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26261749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: February 13th9:05 PM:everyone threw me a coming home partyit's weird it doesn't really feel like coming homeand it's weird texting you so casually but i know you'll neverFebruary 13th9:46 PM:sorryor the fic in which Akira texts a dead man
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 37
Kudos: 452
Collections: Anonymous





	(tore my shirt to stop you bleeding) but nothing ever stops you leaving

akechi goro  
  
**February 13th** 12:47 PM  
so i don’t know why i assumed when everything reset i wouldn’t be back in prison ha  
i'm back now  
**February 13th** 9:05 PM  
everyone threw me a coming home party  
it's weird it doesn't really feel like coming home  
and it's weird texting you so casually but i know you'll never  
**February 13th** 9:46 PM  
sorry  
**February 14th** 1:23 AM  
i thought about you a lot while i was in there  
couldn't really think about anything else  
i was wondering if they did to you what they did to me  
in that interrogation room, i mean  
u know, before maruki changed everything properly  
i guess i'll never really know  
not like it really happened anyway  
**February 14th** 10:12 AM  
happy valentines day. i miss you  
i know we never really made anything official  
and i think i might be stupid for even wanting anything official honestly  
morgana gives me this look like i'm crazy sometimes  
anyway. not important. i'm spending today with ryuji  
just as friends, don't worry  
i'm pretty sure he knows something went down between us  
he wouldn't try anything anyway  
i know you think he's a stupid idiot  
and maybe sometimes he is  
but he's good at stuff like that. emotions  
and reading people  
i don't have to tell him stuff, u know? he just knows  
**February 14th** 11:23 AM  
you aren't good at that btw  
or well, i think you are but you just don't like to admit things to yourself  
aren't.  
didn't.  
god.  
texting a dead man on valentine's day  
maybe morgana's right  
**February 15th** 4:01 PM  
people tried to give me chocolates today but i’m thinking maybe i just don’t have the stomach for it anymore  
i just think about you and your stupid sweet tooth  
all those cafe dates we went on  
how you liked your coffee with far too much sugar  
and fucking pancakes  
**February 15th** 8:31 PM  
i still remember your coffee order exactly  
sometimes after sojiro’s gone for the night i go downstairs and i make it  
that’s really embarrassing to admit  
it’s really easy to lose myself in the remembering  
i just think  
you’re here and you’re just being quiet but if i listen hard enough i can hear you turning the page of whatever book you’re reading  
and then i look up  
and all i have is an empty bar with a cup of coffee sitting on it  
i don’t even drink it afterwards  
it’s too sweet for me  
**February 16th** 4:12 AM  
i keep going on your wikipedia page  
i don’t know why  
i think it’s to remind myself that you were real  
nobody has updated it to add your death yet  
i think you would be mad about that if you were here  
and i know it falls to me to do it  
and i’m sorry but i can’t make myself  
i’ve tried  
but it feels like giving up  
and i know i should give up because the universe already gave me a second chance to have you and i wasted it  
i’m sorry  
**February 17th** 10:44 AM  
every time i wake up the first thing i do is check these messages  
i don’t know why. i know that nothing will have changed  
sometimes i even want to text you good morning  
god, if you were here you would be making fun of me so hard  
is it bad i think i’d prefer that?  
**February 18th** 1:12 PM  
there’s a crow outside my window  
i think he wants to come inside  
**February 18th** 1:16 PM  
i scared him off  
**February 19th** 11:34 AM  
people keep asking me to hang out  
and i try i really do  
because all my friends lost their dreams and they didn’t sign up to lose me too  
i’m supposed to be the leader  
i’ve been doing a shitty fucking job  
i can barely get out of the bed most of the time  
and when i can i just  
it’s like nobody compares to you anymore  
not that anybody ever really did  
**February 19th** 7:32 PM  
i miss the metaverse  
i dunno. things were easier there  
it was easier to be the person people expect me to be there  
to be joker, u know?  
i feel like you’d understand that  
**February 20th** 3:47 AM  
i’ve been thinking a lot about what comes after life these past few days  
and i don’t even know if you were religious  
you never struck me as the type but maybe  
maybe you were expecting to go to hell  
or be reincarnated into something  
but i think you probably just expected nothingness  
i think i'm hoping reincarnation is true  
**February 20th** 5:12 PM  
i’ve been thinking about getting a dog  
**February 21st** 5:23 PM  
i was thinking about maruki today  
just how he’s doing  
and i swear i could hear your voice in my head  
asking me “who the fuck cares”  
it made me laugh  
**February 21st** 8:29 PM  
i didn’t want to admit this because it’s so humiliating but  
i spent the rest of the day trying to replicate it  
didn’t realise how much i missed your voice  
**February 22nd** 11:57 PM  
it doesn’t make sense to me anymore  
why didn’t you let me take maruki’s deal?  
i spent a lot of time thinking about that while i was in juvie  
was being happy with me forever really so bad?  
**February 23rd** 1:37 AM  
sorry i didn’t mean that  
i know you had your reasons  
i’m just  
i don’t know  
**February 24th** 11:36 PM  
it was just fucking selfish of you  
**February 25th** 12:34 AM  
i wanted you  
i want you  
and it’s not just that  
all my friends miss people  
but you took it upon yourself to decide it wasn’t worth anything  
that none of it was  
that wakaba didn’t matter, that okumura didn’t matter, that the family who lives down the street’s dog didn’t matter  
what made you so fucking important that you came first before everyone! we were fucking happy! just because you weren’t you decided to ruin the whole world for everyone! you didn’t even give it a chance! why didn’t you care about anyone but yourself! why didn’t you fucbfing acre aobut me its; not kfucking frairi i dont desrefjej thais  
**February 27th** 6:23 AM  
sorry  
**February 28th** 1:34 PM  
i haven’t gone to school in a few days  
my attendance already sucks with prison and faking-my-own-death and stuff  
now i’m just sad  
my friends have been coming over  
but nothing is really helping  
i know they feel the same way  
ann came over a few days ago and she couldn’t even make herself try  
we just sat and cried for a while  
and you know. she still gets to see shiho every once in a while  
**February 28th** 10:56 PM  
it just sucks  
i don’t know if you thought you would just disappear quietly from my life  
i don’t know if you wanted a big bang with your obituary on every front page and your headshots across every screen in shibuya  
you don’t even have a grave  
there’s no body  
i don’t know how to move on when all i have left of you is a stupid fucking glove  
**March 1st** 11:36 AM  
i'm dreading tomorrow  
i don't know if i can do this  
**March 2nd** 12:01 AM  
it’s been a month  
since. you know  
**March 3rd** 4:56 PM  
i’ve started seeing tae  
yesterday it got a little too much  
and she’s not really qualified for therapy  
but even just an outside perspective is helpful  
and i’m not sure anyone else would really believe me  
i’m not sure tae believes me honestly  
but it’s something  
**March 4th** 7:23 PM  
i told tae about this  
the texting thing  
she said it’s normal, that some people write letters, and it can be helpful  
i don’t know if this is helpful  
but it’s nice to think about  
she convinced me to go back to shujin before i leave tokyo  
i don’t really care given how little is left of the semester is left but she said having a routine is good  
we’ll see  
**March 5th** 3:13 PM  
school still sucks  
my friends look at me like they’re pitying me and i can’t stand it  
how far the dangerous joker has fallen huh?  
i miss you  
i know you would never pity me  
you always pushed me to be better  
**March 6th** 11:24 PM  
i think i am going numb  
**March 7th** 8:01 AM  
GORO  
STOP WALKING I CAN SEE YOU  
STOP  
**March 7th** 8:10 AM  
you know i’ve been seeing you everywhere but today i really thought it was you  
it wasn’t of course  
because you’re  
you’re dead  
but he really looked like you  
he had your haircut and he was wearing a sweater vest i would’ve bet my life it was you  
**March 7th** 8:34 AM  
heh, he was freaked out when i shoved him into that wall  
i think he thought i was mugging him  
and then once i realised it wasn’t you i thought i was gonna be heading back to prison  
i just kind of ran  
should probably be more careful about that kind of thing  
**March 8th** 2:34 PM  
ryuji just asked me if i wanted to go to play darts  
i don’t know if i should  
**March 8th** 2:48 PM  
i’m going  
**March 8th** 4:55 PM  
it was a bad idea  
**March 8th** 5:32 PM  
i don’t know why i feel the need to update you about everything that happens in my life  
i’ve really been trying so hard to just it leave it there and not explain but it’s like my fingers are itching  
i really want to talk to you  
and i guess this is the closest i can get  
anyway  
i saw the billiards table and had a panic attack  
and even before then  
it was like i could see you outside of penguin sniper  
**March 8th** 9:14 PM  
i don’t know  
i think all this was easy for you  
i don’t think you really thought people cared for you  
and you thought i wouldn’t miss you  
but i’m gonna regret not taking that deal for the rest of my life  
**March 9th** 5:22 AM  
shido’s on the news again  
i shattered one of sojiro’s mugs when i saw him  
he rushed me upstairs, in that way he does  
but i don’t really know what he expects me to do up here  
you’re the only person who would get it  
**March 10th** 11:46 PM  
i don’t know what i’m going to do when i have to leave tokyo  
when i first came here i thought my life was over  
but now i don’t know how i’m going to go back home  
there’s this thing looming over me  
it keeps telling me that you’ll really be gone once i step foot on that train  
i don’t know how to keep you with me i really have to keep you with me i don’t know what i’ll do if you’re gone forever you can’t go somewhere i can’t get you back  
i can’t let you die for the third fucking time  
**March 11th** 7:23 AM  
sorry for being dramatic  
why do i keep apologising  
it doesn’t matter  
none of this does  
**March 12th** 3:47 AM  
days like these i wish you had a grave  
a place i could go when i miss you  
did you know i don’t even know where your apartment is?  
**March 13th** 8:55 PM  
i was talking to sojiro about white day earlier  
i guess neither of us have dates to give gifts to  
i don’t know why he doesn’t. we both know sojiro is a catch  
anyway, he told me white day should be more about letting people know they’re appreciated  
i think i have an idea to cheer the both of us up  
**March 14th** 12:39 PM  
i’m the best pseudo child ever  
**March 14th** 10:21 PM  
i guess none of the other thieves had dates either  
we didn’t even plan it or anything  
everyone just showed up here like the pathetic saps we are  
i feel better though  
**March 15th** 11:11 AM  
these days i imagine that the world revolves around leblanc  
after yesterday, how could i not?  
but i’ve been thinking about it in relation to us too  
all those nights spent across with you  
only a chessboard between us  
it’s hard to imagine there was anything going on outside during all that  
and even if anything was  
why wouldn’t every pair of eyes be transfixed on us?  
**March 16th** 2:13 AM  
we were mesmerising, weren’t we?  
the kind of thing you can’t look away from  
like a firework or a car crash  
the ending’s always the same  
**March 16th** 10:43 AM  
maybe i should become a writer  
**March 17th** 8:16 AM  
i just sort of jolted awake  
“becoming” isn’t something i’ve thought about a lot lately  
future tense  
weird  
**March 18th** 11:36 AM  
i tried to update your wikipedia page today  
still couldn't make myself do it  
but i'm trying  
**March 19th** 10:02 AM  
today’s my last day here  
i’m gonna go around to say goodbye to everyone later  
maybe i should say goodbye to you too?  
then i can have a fresh start back home  
everyone keeps telling me i can take as long as i need  
but i don’t want to be stuck messaging you like this forever  
i don’t know. maybe  
**March 19th** 6:34 AM  
i saw muhen today  
he told me to tell you to come back soon  
so  
come back to the jazz club soon, okay?  
he’s worried about you  
god. you made an impression on so many people  
i had to just stand there for a minute, if i’m honest, trying not to burst into tears  
your glove’s in my back pocket still  
you promised me another fight  
you promised  
this can’t be over  
i can’t have lost you  
i need you i need you to push me forward and make me better  
i need you to  
you should be here with me  
**March 20th** 12:32 AM  
i just called everyone back over after i just said goodbye  
and i talked to them  
about you, about this thing i’m doing  
i thought they’d laugh but they just all hugged me  
even futaba  
everyone’s been worrying about me  
i think i got a little too caught up in the grief  
i think i AM a little too caught up in the grief  
maybe saying goodbye to you would be the closure i need  
**March 20th** 3:56 AM  
it's too late to say it  
and i think you knew anyway  
but i loved you  
i still do  
i love you, akechi goro  
**March 20th** 11:36 AM  
goro?  
are you at the train station?  
  
**Read** 11:38 AM


End file.
